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(via candieseyerin)

Chasing Pavements

Tonight… My song for myself is Chasing Pavements by the ever so lovely Adele. Well… Things after the big blah, I tried to do things that I know would bring back everything. But tonight, I realized that I have been crying for a week, I think, straight. I also realized that I have been very considerate about things lately even though I end up getting hurt then cry my eyes off again. But right now, I just feel so hurt that I don’t think my heart could take it anymore. 

I am the type of person who doesn’t really care that I get hurt just as long other people who are close to my heart is happy. I trained myself to set aside my emotions in order to give attention to other’s emotions. But… my heart have been setting aside too much and I feel like it would explode any minute because my heart couldn’t take it anymore. But then again, I stay strong even though I know my world is crumbling from the inside. Then the the line from Chasing Pavements hit me.

“Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?” 

I asked my friend that and she said no. then the next line came across.

“Would it be a waste even if I knew my place or would I leave it there?”

I really don’t want to give up. I believe that I could fix this but there is the thing nagging at the back of my head that I just leave it that way. But I can’t. No matter how much I try, I can’t. This time, my mind is answering one of the most difficult question I asked so far. 

“Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavement even if it leads nowhere?”

Come to think of it… No. I should not give up. Why would I, right? Then the next song came to me. I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz. Tears flow whenever I listen to it. It reminds me to never give up on something I believe would make a change for me. I just hope that ll of my efforts just pays away soon. :|

Well… Off to the Blue Side of the universe and sob for another sleepless night I guess… Good night to all! :)  <3

Just Thought Of It…

After the thing with my “FRIEND”, I have been thinking a lot lately. Lately meaning just an hour ago or whatever. I will soon be in college and everyone gets excited because they will meet new people and gain friends and blah… And I kept wondering, what if the people I will soon meet won’t like me? What if they will think that I am bitchy and stuff like that? Well, thanks a lot “FRIEND”. I got conscious of myself. Again. :|

This all started when someone got angry because of my attitude and since then I had this “Project Angel” where in I would try, not try but I WILL CHANGE MYSELF for the better. I thought this was going well when the thing that happened between us with my FRIEND got me thinking that maybe I haven’t changed at all and I am still that awful person. Then, when I thought about it. God, I started crying. :D hahahaha! Me and my emotional self. Well, I am scared most of all that people might not like me because of my attitude. But even though my boyfriend keeps telling me that I changed, I still don’t think so. I was the evil bitch who becomes bitter because of other bitches. A freaking sadist who never stops hurting other people even though I know that I may be going too far. An insensitive person  who becomes so selfish and that she only thinks of herself. Oh yeah… I was awful but my friend says I am not that but truly, that’s what I see myself. And now, even though I change I can conclude that I am still awful no matter what. :|

Maybe “FRIEND” was right, maybe I should eat make up so that my inside becomes beautiful just this once. :| God, I AM SOOOO HATING MYSELF RIGHT NOW. :| Help me. 

Do you even know the meaning of BULLSHIT?

Oh yeah… HAHAHAHA! I am Vector but what the heck! :D So… it’s been another day of truths. And to be honest, I felt crap but now I feel angry and frustrated at what I have discovered. :) I want to ask the question “Really…? Are you so fucking serious…?”. It’s just so frustrating that all the times you were true and honest. You even cared like hell and you were there whenever they needed you when you know by the fact that they will never go near you. But you were there. You presented yourself vulnerable and you made yourself even more vulnerable when you were telling them secrets and more. And then they call it BULLSHIT. 

You know what’s BULLSHIT? Your attitude. The way you think, the way you reason out things, the way you look at a person. Everything actually is BULLSHIT! You think you know better but you don’t. You act so cocky that you think that people back stab you or use you or whatever but haven’t you given the thought that they really aren’t back stabbing you nor use you…? Do you even know what FRIENDSHIP mean…? Don’t give me that shit that FRIENDSHIP is all about trust and blah blah blah if you even don’t trust the person who is really close to you! Think about it. :) Have you even become a good friend, I know you have but come on!!! You say that I am the fake one when truly, I’m not!! You are the one who is fake all this time when I thought that you were really my friend. I was technically living in that useless piece of junk lies. I thought the FRIENDSHIP, if you even call it a friendship, was real. If you say that FRIENDS DO NOT USE EACH OTHER, then I have something to say to you too! I DID NOT FUCKING USE YOU!!! You agreed to help me and now you go on screaming to the world that “OH MY GOD!! SHE USED ME FOR HER PERSONAL OR WHATEVER BLAH”. To be honest, you could have said no. I know I was begging but yes. You had the choice. And you said yes so don’t tell people that I used you because I did not use you at all. If I used you, I would have presented that plea in another way. NOT in the “I NEED A FRIEND RIGHT NOW. WOULD YOU LEND ME A HAND…? PLEASE…?” And now since you don’t consider me as a friend, I am not communicating to you at all because I don’t want you to be included in my “BULLSHIT LIFE” so I wanted you to get out so that you won’t think that I AM FAKE, I USED YOU, I AM BACK STABBING YOU IN SOME WAY… which reminds me is a hell of crap. Tell me, how do I back stab you? huh? I don’t even talk about you with other people! For Christ Sake! You think of yourself too much. And you have the guts to tell me that I am a hypocrite. Hey, you are the one who is a hypocrite! Trust, Being A True Friend, Honesty… what the hell man! :|

You know, I was a true friend to you but I don’t think you saw that. You are blind and closed minded. I hope this thing gets into your mind because you have given me crap all this time but I did not even confront you or some other way. I FORGAVE YOU in a way that I don’t even think about it that much because I knew I would only get hurt. But still, you continued on giving me crap and now you have crossed the line. 

If all of this was about you liking me and choosing Jo over you, MY GOD! Just forget about it okay??? If you say that Jo actually stole me from you, you got it all wrong! I wasn’t even yours so you don’t have the right to tell others that Jo stole me from you. If there are other reasons why, I think I have said my part. What I do not understand is why you are so bitter and cold about this. It’s been a year and you haven’t moved on. Seriously, your mind is a mess right now.

And oh, I almost forgot. You calling me immature is not offensive. I know I am immature in my own way but you yourself is also immature. Don’t brag that “Oh, I have grown and matured because my feelings is like that and like that”. Oh really? You are mature? Then why don’t you encounter your fears or whatever your problems are rather than sit there in front of the TV or computer doing nothing? You call that mature? Give me a break! That’s not even close to mature! God… You are really messed up right now, aren’t you? :D

And also, you being “THE BAD GUY”, where did that even come from??? We did not say that you are a bad person or whatever blah you are thinking. Is it because we are talking about you? Have you even considered that we are talking about you because we are concerned about your attitude and how you act. Seriously, I am becoming paranoid because you are like a stalker! A fucked up stalker! You get information from nowhere! That is total stalker! And you even tweeted that we violated or whatever the word you used your privacy. Hello?? Did you even considered OUR privacy? You know, me and Ana? But anyways, yeah. You are a stalker. :) And also, we don’t even say that you are the worst or bad friend or whatever! You think that we are saying this and that that’s why you think that we are fake and all but you got it all wrong. We are talking about you because we are concerned. And also, we are not fake when we are in front of you! All of the fake things fades away whenever we are together hanging out as friends. And then I remembered, BULLSHIT.

Please… Don’t be all innocent boy and blah with the horrible high school life. You blame us for that high school life…? Are you special that your high school life should be perfect? You know, boys get busted even though they like the girl. You get rejected. You experience a lot of things but those are not the baddest thing that could ever happen to you! Come on… Hating a school  and move to another just because they were unfair to you?? They were not unfair, they were just doing their jobs. And then hating other people because YOU THINK, okay, THINK that they are talking about you or judging you or whatever. Come to think of it, you might as well live in a cave alone where there are no people who will “HURT” you. You see things in a negative way that’s why you act so negatively around people. You end up hurting the people around you too. But you don’t care. you care only of yourself. Not all the time but most of the time. People also noticed that. Trust me, they don’t like what they see.

I am tired of typing so let’s cut this short. Your attitude sucks. Like I told you, BULLSHIT. You better change that because people observe that of you. Don’t get offended and stuff like that but this is for your own good. Oh look! The “friend” you told BULLSHIT on still cares for you. No not you. For the people around you. People are getting hurt, pissed off, fed up and even more because of your attitude. And you post or tweet about attitude and stuff. Now that is funny. :D I am frank here, Okay. No offense even though you have offended me greatly. Now I know what you are thinking. (How could I have offended her?) Don’t be so innocent! I know you know. :D You’re the smarty pants, remember? HAHAHA I don’t want to go to your personal life. This is between you and me. :) 

If you are smart and all of that, then tell me. What was the BULLSHIT all along? :) If I am BULLSHIT to you, what are you to me right now? HAHAHA! BULLSHIT TO YOU TOO! 

Times Like These Only Needs Chocolate And Puffy Eyes

Have you ever felt something that when you learned that you thought that person was real to you and you felt stupid believing in their lies that they said were true? Well… I felt that feeling just about 5 minutes ago and it ain’t a pretty feeling at all.

I feel like crying but I don’t think that is appropriate for something like that event. I should be crying myself because of pity and how stupid I was to believe such lie. :) well… You can’t always say that what they were telling you the truth. Then there comes my best friend, DOUBT. They say doubt is a wrong thing but what I think is not. You doubt because you know how they roll, their attitude and stuff like that so you are really not sure whether or not if you would believe or not. And also, you don’t want to act and look stupid believing and making yourself gullible to other people. Sometimes I think doubt is an intellectual way of proving whether or not something is true. Well, not very intellectual but it kinda goes there. Once you doubt, you seek solutions to the problems that arise when you want to know the truth. I know it is wrong to doubt but it is in our nature already. Admit it or not, you doubt. And sometimes that doubt leads to the truth because you are urged to actually find out the truth. Well for me, I don’t stop doubting. :) Being replaced by women who are better than me, lies that seems true but really are just painful lies thrown to your face and a whole lot more…It sucks. Really. I just feel stupid and fucked up with the lies that were said to be true. It’s just a cycle. I don’t know why I can’t jump out of the cycle but yeah… I just wished people were really honest to me. I’m always honest and why can’t they do the same. I pity myself, really. I feel so used and gullible and stupid. Rue lies. Fuck them. :|

Pag ako NAGSELOS, simple lang naman. Kakausapin ko yung pinagseselosan ko sabay bulong BALA o DISTANSIYA? >:)

(Source: infiniterosa, via candieseyerin)

The Minute I Wanted To Be A Butterfly…

A butterfly passed me and there I was staring at it. Jealousy took over me. How I wish I could just fly away and help pollinate flowers to make the world a colorful place and a fragrant one since the odorous smell of foots are being inhaled by out poor noses. :) And since I am boring the fuck of my boyfriend, I will not sleep tonight. :) yeah… That’s how I roll. Damn fucked up time of the month. :|

I just want to feel the air on my wings, if only I had. The light breeze whenever I rest, I can pretty much do that. The whatever… :) hahaha! I feel burden on my shoulder. I don’t know why but yes… I was expecting that my boyfriend would help me like… get this off but noooo… (oh yeah. with the slang bitched up no. ;D) hahaha! Instead I am here just thinking about things and now I feel stupid. :) oh there’s the butterfly again. :) hahaha! but anyways… I hope I could shake this off though. I don’t like the feeling at all. Well… Lone me. :) hahaha! I feel self-pity at the same time nothing. I feel so… I don’t know. Yeah… I don’t know is a feeling already in my world. :D hahaha! good night! and now… I don’t know what will happen to me. :) hahaha! I feel crazy at the same time I want to die. :) kill me now. :) no seriously, kill me now. I have nothing to lose nor to gain in my life anymore. :)